i had a dream that i entered into something that i called hell through this like sewer thing with a female guide (this scrawny, sassy, impatient girl) and throughout the whole journey i knew i wanted to die and i wanted to end my life if only to have some sense of completion; it was like i wanted to end not because i was depressed or anything but because i was bored and impatient and wanted to continue on. it was such an elaborate process; we had to go down a slide with a unique number written on our hands (mine was 42) and we were afraid that we wouldn’t have enough ink and all the effort would be for nothing; and then we had to show our driver’s licenses to this fat old overbearing but good-intentioned woman who let me pass with just my fake id. and see, i got called back to the real world against my will; and i was in this place right next to the ocean, this city on the brink of water where the streets already had a fine layer of oil and briny water. there were streetlamps everywhere. it was so beautiful and so colorful and it reminded me of watery metropolis, nocturnal and a little empty because maybe all the people had decided to go underground like me, where it feels like a busy train station or airport, everyone is on their way to someplace different because they refuse to give the time and energy towards something they gave up on. and i was walking and it was night and i came to this autobody shop and there was a woman who welcomed me in and reminded me of mothers and i suddenly wondered why i had been so eager for death all along because real life WAS exciting, it was comforting; and then my whole view switched and i was suddenly struggling against everything i had been trying to accomplish underground. but then, when i wanted it the least, i was swimming in the ocean and it was a day where everybody was swimming and i was wearing overwhelmingly striped pajamas and there was a boy who i think was my brother and suddenly this massive tidal wave came up and i swore that i could breathe enough but even before i saw the wave i knew that i would die just as i wanted to live. the irony is so overbearing. and then i was dead and i was coloring in maps with colored pencils the countries were golden and the oceans were turquoise.